Trust Me, the B Train is No Better

I want to kill someone every day. I want to push someone down the stairs. I want to shove someone in front of a moving train. I want to stab someone repeatedly with a metrocard.

I really need to stop taking the subway.

I can't stand it when subway newbies decide to travel during my commute. A New York commute is serious business. We don't have cars, so our subway commute is all we have to call our own. And do we ever own it.

New Yorkers: If you're questioning my rationale here, ask yourself this: Where do you stand on the subway platform in the morning?

Any answer to this question other than, "any place I feel like it," means that you know what you're doing. And out of respect for this, I feel that everyone traveling via train between the hours of 8-10 and 5-7 should know what they are doing too. Or get the f*** out of my way.

At least 5 times per week, I find myself in one of the following situations:

1. Person in front of me can't swipe their metrocard properly... 25 times in a row.
2. Person in front of me dawdles down the stairs while my train is waiting to be boarded.
3. Person in front of me boards the train and stops dead, leaving no room for anyone else to board the car.
4. Person in front of me is the victim of many vivid homicidal fantasies.

This is why the Scientologists issue stress tests in the subway. Of course you're stressed. You're taking the subway. But frankly, what reasonable commuter has the time to stop and take a stress test? Maybe Scientology got this one wrong. Sometimes Tom and John just don’t think things through.

As someone who used to walk to work and avoid the train during peak hours, my new train commute is affecting me in exciting new ways. Never before did I realize how much I hate people. I am now unafraid to make my frustrations audibly known to my offenders. I have mastered the stink eye. I am full of rage. My iPod full of angry rock probably does not help.

Tomorrow's zen commute strategy: Air Supply and an iced coffee. I doubt this will help. Unless my coffee comes with a shot of valium.