More Crap That's Rotting My Brain

You know my social life is dim when all I have to blog about is reality TV shows on VH1. In fact, it is so dim, that the majority of conversation when I am out being social with real, live human beings is about reality TV shows on VH1. This happened to me both Friday night and Sunday afternoon.

Sigh. If only a deep knowledge of VH1 cast members and their love triangles could earn me 7-figures.

And while I am at it, I'll dig myself in a little deeper. I actually teared up last night when Real picked Cornfed in the finale of Real Chance of Love. I chanted the phrase, "Oh! He looks so much better!" ad nauseum during the makeover of Hobie Buchanan on Confessions of a Teen Idol. I almost peed my pants at the trailer for I Love Money 2.

The problem isn't that I don’t enjoy quality television, the problem is that CinS doesn't enjoy the same quality television as me. We have very few shows that we watch together (thank the Lord for the return of LOST!), and so, like most of America, we find ourselves watching the lowest common denominator. Also, like most of America, we spend most of our together time in front of the TV. We don’t have pets or children. Please don’t judge.

And there you have it. Two, almost-consecutive posts about VH1. Damn you Chris Abrego and your mad genius! You have won!

You Smell Like My Soulmate

As you know, I watch a lot of bad reality TV. Last night was no exception.

Everyone's favorite wig-wearing, fake-tanning, guyliner-sporting "rock star," Bret Michaels, is (finally) back with installment 3 of his reality dating show on VH1. This season, the whores are on a bus. Bret peppers the "unscripted" dialog with more catchphrases than ever. Madcap antics involving giant fake guns ensue.

We watched the premiere last night, and it was dirtier than ever. All I can say to those who have not yet tuned in, is that the action was so vile that VH1 couldn't even discuss it, let alone show it. From the clever editing and Portuguese euphemisms provided by one contestant, I can only assume that one girl did a body shot off of another girl's vagina. So, so frightening.

After the show, CinS declared, no more reality dating shows tonight. This was before the TV changed to NBC and we caught wind of Mamma's Boys. This show is so bad (sorry Seacrest), yet I cannot look away. Especially when earnest black chicks are cooking brisket and playing dreidel.

I'm sure it comes to no surprise to you that I dreamt last night about reality dating shows. And I think I have a winning idea. Here's my pitch:

The premise is based on pheromones and the idea that everyone's unique scent has some cosmic mate. The producers match up couples prior to the show so that everyone cast has a match. All of the contestants know that their match is out in the pool somewhere, but have no idea who it is. Contestants will definitely include super studs and blonde bombshells for everyone to fight over. The contestants are, of course, living on a bus. (this may or may not be part of my pitch, but it was a critical element in my dream. maybe it's easier to smell people in an enclosed space?) No one gets eliminated, we just watch what happens.

In my dream, CinS and I were cast on the show, and sitting together on the bus. We knew we were married, but no one else knew. I guess we were trying to punk the system, which is something we talk about doing all the time either on TV or on eHarmony. On the episode featured in my dream, the contestants had already paired up and they decided to insert an undesirable element on the bus to see how the pairs dealt with difficult situations. They basically had some actors dressed like homeless people boarded the bus and harassed everyone. CinS and I knew they were actors and made fun of them instead of being scared. I’m sure the producers were annoyed.

I would totally watch this show. Of course I would, it is A) my idea, and B) a crappy reality dating show. It is a compelling idea that has the potential for cat fighting. I am a programming genius. The only problem would probably be the budget. Gas is expensive these days. I also wonder how expensive it would be to smell test everyone? Surely, it has to cost less than disinfecting 20 girls for Bret every 9 months.

Olympic Dukakis

I'm not so into the Summer Olympics. I can't get behind swimming, track and field, or softball. And as my friend Sharon said, I used to enjoy gymnastics, but now I'm just too preoccupied with the gymnast's freaky body types.

Besides, I feel like there are more lovable characters involved in the Winter Olympics, like that Apollo Anton Ono and the Flying Tomato guy. The only Summer Olympian I know is Michael Phelps. And his ears bother me.

I remember when I was younger and both the Summer and Winter games were in the same year. Now that was exciting. We used to have to wait four whole years for an Olympics., and there was a sense that the Olympics were awesome because they were so rare. Now that there's an Olympics every other year, it's decidedly less special.

Maybe it's because I am forced to watch Sports Center every morning that I don't have Olympics fever. Perhaps if I watched one of the 17 hours of the Today Show I would feel differently. I'm sure the Today Show is full of athletic stories of hardship and perseverance. Especially the Kathy Lee hour.

Ann Curry covering the top US athletes with grace and disingenuous smiles. Matt Lauer interviewing former medalists who are too old to expect gold a second time. Al Roker forecasting the weather and air quality of Beijing. Now that would inspire me!

But no, I am stuck listening to story after story about Brett Favre. Apparently, Brett Favre is the last remaining athlete on the planet. In addition to leaving Green Bay for the Big Apple, he is also the power forward of the Indiana Fever, and the best spiker on the US Beach Volleyball team.

This NBC Olympics monopoly is really bizarre. The Olympics are arguably the biggest sporting event possible and yet the network dedicated to sports cannot cover it in real-time. It doesn't seem fair. The Disney people really screwed the pooch on that one.

Anyhow, I'm hoping to get introduced to the US Olympic darlings at some point in the next week so I can tune in and root for my country. Because watching under-developed 16 year olds flip around on a bar is much more exciting when you know their morbidly depressing back story.

Nothing On in August? I Beg to Differ

Since we're nearing the dregs of summer programming (with my favorite show ever, SYTYCD, ending tonight), I thought I'd share my new favorite shows to last you until all the good stuff comes back in September.

The absolute best bang for your buck in gratuitous reality programming is I Love Money on VH1. You may recall my love for all the Love shows: Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, and I Love New York. Well, they have all been eclipsed by my fandom for I Love Money.

And why shouldn't they be? I Love Money is the best of all possible worlds - combining the dirtiest "talent" from all three shows.

My favorite part is how everyone is "in love" with each other after only 6 days. Oh yeah, and watching them degrade themselves in weekly challenges while doing body shots off each other ain't too shabby.

If you haven't yet tuned in, it's never too late to get started. I'm sure there's a marathon scheduled. Plus they show mad flashbacks every episode to make sure you are properly acclimated.

But I Love Money is just one hour in the entire TV landscape. But have no fear! I have some other gems too.

If you are a horror fan like me, you should check out Fear Itself on NBC. It's like the Twilight Zone in that the storylines are rip-offs of classic horror tales, and the cast changes every week. Some of the episodes were pretty lame, but the recent tale about Brandon Routh (yes, Superman has been reduced to a schlocky NBC horror show) and his wife in a creepy suburban neighborhood had even CinS engrossed.

One episode even featured two stars from one of my other favorite summer shows, Psych on USA. Psych's not a new show like the others, but I sometimes get the bad feeling that no one else is watching but me and that it will be cancelled like my other two USA favorites, The Dead Zone and The 4400. Please watch Psych. It's really funny and involves both crime and over-the-top mugging to the camera. What more do you want people?

But the hidden gem of my summer is a show that I'm just now discovering after its original air date back in 2005. A friend of mine told me that I would like it, and I'm glad I listened. No, I'm not talking about The Closer. I'm talking about Bones.

Yes, Bones. That show on Fox with Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Zooey Dechanel's square-jawed sister. It's really good. And the re-runs are on EVERY DAY on TNT. This makes me sublimely happy.

Procedural crime drama? Check.
Mildly attractive cast? Check.
Creepy skeletons and other miscellaneous body parts? Check.
Mulder and Scully-like sexual tension? Check.
On every freakin day? Check.

I rest my case. Bones is the best show ever.

Now if only there was a reality show in development on VH1 called "Boning for Love...."

Blogtari: Texas Ranger

I was at the gym the other day and I noticed that one of the communal TVs had been changed from NY1 to the Hallmark Channel. Interesting choice.

One day, I watched a Hallmark Hall of Fame starring Dean Cain as a sheriff in a town plagued by the KKK. I was watching without the benefit of sound, so I'm unclear on the details. But it looked like a tear-jerker. It was exactly what I expected to see on the Hallmark Channel.

What I didn't expect was Walker: Texas Ranger.

Yes, our good pal Chuck Norris is still flying high on the Hallmark Channel. I must admit that I'd never seen Walker: Texas Ranger before and was quite intrigued by the promo I saw before the episode aired. The most I knew about WTR was that Ricky Bobby named his kids Walker and Texas Ranger and that my husband calls our local bar Walker's, "Texas Ranger."

So imagine my surprise when Chuck Norris comes on the screen, long leather fringed coat flapping the breeze, and proceeds to kick some major ass. Before the credits rolled, Chuck killed 4 dudes with a lethal combo of karate, judo, and old-fashioned bullets.

This show is awesome.

What was even more awesome was that Chuck's name appears in the credits about 100 times. He is obviously the show's star, but also its producer, director, screenwriter, and gaffer. He also wrote and performs the theme song. And if all this weren’t masturbatory enough, the opening scene after the credits showed Chuck doing push-ups for a solid minute before anything else happened.

I think I need my own show. I would do everything, just like Chuck. And the opening scene, after my rendition of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," would feature me ripping on innocents for a solid minute before anything else happened.

HELP! My DVR is Empty!

It's that time of year again. Those barren weeks when Fall TV has ended and the Summer goo has yet to begin.

Now that Bret snagged Ambre, Flav returned to his Baby Momma, and The Hotness has completed the American Idol media tour, I have nothing to watch. Well, almost nothing.

I am watching So You Think You Can Dance, which I love even more than Idol (yes, that is possible), but the fact that it's not yet on twice a week is shredding my soul to bits. And besides, one reality show does not a full DVR make.

So, I decided to tune in to the inaugural episode of The Mole on Monday night, and I have to say that it is quite awesome. I never watched The Mole the first time around (I was actually anti-reality TV back then), and never really understood the premise. If you are like me, read on...

In a nutshell, all the contestants work together as a team to earn money from challenges. The Mole is out to sabotage the missions.

The players go all over the world doing crazy stunts and messing with each other's heads. It's a little Amazing Race, a little Survivor (the Richard Hatch years).

The craziest part of the show is how they handle eliminations. Its a very matter-of-fact, objective process. The contestants take a quiz that asks them who they think is the Mole. The person with the fewest correct answers goes home.

And now that we're all up-to-speed on the inner-workings of The Mole, let me say for the record, that I want to be on this show.

I would kick ass at The Mole! I am not graced with athleticism, so I would blow every challenge, and people would think that I am the Mole. I am a sneaky bastard who befriends people easily, but doesn't really like anyone, so everyone would want to form an alliance with me. I am a normal person - not the overweight dude or the old lady - so my Moleyness would be discreet enough to be a producer's choice. I am also full of sass and have a Middle-Eastern last name. I'm a shoe-in!

Here's a sample of my "confessional" style interviews filmed after the show.

"I knew Dina would want the chocolate cake, so I ate it all in front of her. I
told her that I have a condition that requires the anti-oxidants from cocoa. She
is putty in my hands...."

"Eduardo asked if we could form an alliance. I told him I would, but only if he promises not to form an alliance with anyone else. If he did, he'd find out I have an alliance with them already."

"Bobby has a crush on me. I'm using this to my advantage. Tomorrow I'm
bearing cleavage for the traditional East African Suck and Blow ritual."

"I really hurt myself falling off that greased watermelon. I may have
sprained something. But the pain is worth it! Now Kristy thinks I'm the Mole.
Probably because I was drunk."

Watch out ABC! Best Mole contestant EVER coming in '09!