You Smell Like My Soulmate

As you know, I watch a lot of bad reality TV. Last night was no exception.

Everyone's favorite wig-wearing, fake-tanning, guyliner-sporting "rock star," Bret Michaels, is (finally) back with installment 3 of his reality dating show on VH1. This season, the whores are on a bus. Bret peppers the "unscripted" dialog with more catchphrases than ever. Madcap antics involving giant fake guns ensue.

We watched the premiere last night, and it was dirtier than ever. All I can say to those who have not yet tuned in, is that the action was so vile that VH1 couldn't even discuss it, let alone show it. From the clever editing and Portuguese euphemisms provided by one contestant, I can only assume that one girl did a body shot off of another girl's vagina. So, so frightening.

After the show, CinS declared, no more reality dating shows tonight. This was before the TV changed to NBC and we caught wind of Mamma's Boys. This show is so bad (sorry Seacrest), yet I cannot look away. Especially when earnest black chicks are cooking brisket and playing dreidel.

I'm sure it comes to no surprise to you that I dreamt last night about reality dating shows. And I think I have a winning idea. Here's my pitch:

The premise is based on pheromones and the idea that everyone's unique scent has some cosmic mate. The producers match up couples prior to the show so that everyone cast has a match. All of the contestants know that their match is out in the pool somewhere, but have no idea who it is. Contestants will definitely include super studs and blonde bombshells for everyone to fight over. The contestants are, of course, living on a bus. (this may or may not be part of my pitch, but it was a critical element in my dream. maybe it's easier to smell people in an enclosed space?) No one gets eliminated, we just watch what happens.

In my dream, CinS and I were cast on the show, and sitting together on the bus. We knew we were married, but no one else knew. I guess we were trying to punk the system, which is something we talk about doing all the time either on TV or on eHarmony. On the episode featured in my dream, the contestants had already paired up and they decided to insert an undesirable element on the bus to see how the pairs dealt with difficult situations. They basically had some actors dressed like homeless people boarded the bus and harassed everyone. CinS and I knew they were actors and made fun of them instead of being scared. I’m sure the producers were annoyed.

I would totally watch this show. Of course I would, it is A) my idea, and B) a crappy reality dating show. It is a compelling idea that has the potential for cat fighting. I am a programming genius. The only problem would probably be the budget. Gas is expensive these days. I also wonder how expensive it would be to smell test everyone? Surely, it has to cost less than disinfecting 20 girls for Bret every 9 months.