Bloomers

In the last month I have come to realize that just about everything I own is the wrong length. It’s very troubling.

Most of these items I have been wearing for years - running around town in pants that are too short and skirts that are too long. How embarrassing!

I have no idea how this happened. I'm certain that when I get something shortened it is measured to hang just above the floor, and yet my hems are now hanging closer to my ankle. No wonder my husband calls all my pants bloomers.

The worst offenders are my sweats. Yes, I get my sweats shortened. When you are short, you get everything shortened. Sometimes even pajamas.

When CinS and I first met, I had a pair of pajamas that were not shortened, but were actual bloomers. I thought they were capris. I was mistaken. CinS was relentless in his mocking and called the pants bloomers until not just the bottoms were known as bloomers, but the entire sleep ensemble. I promptly donated these jams to Good Will.

Over the years, a few other items have also earned the bloomers moniker from my betrothed. But none were worse offenders than my "Cleveland Browns."

The Cleveland Browns are not pajama pants or sweat pants; they are a quite expensive pair of Theory pants that I got on sale at Bloomingdales. They are, as named, brown pants. The pants have no pockets, but do sport a sassy beaded seam down each side. I love these pants. My husband thinks they make me look like a football player.

After hearing a lot of crap about my Cleveland Browns, I retired them for about a year and a half. But now that I've uncomfortably returned to a pre-wedding size, the Cleveland Browns, and their wide legged glory, are calling to me.

I rescued the Cleveland Browns from their suffocating dry cleaning bag and wore them to work. It was then that I noticed something I’d never noticed before. The Cleveland Browns were totally bloomers! They were at least 2 inches too short and had no business being worn with heels. The horror!

CinS was right. These Cleveland Browns were ugly.

I sent the Cleveland Browns off to the tailor to be lengthened hoping it would fix them. The Cleveland Browns have been back in my closet for a while now, but I’m too afraid to try them on.

What if I still don’t like them? What if they don’t fit right? What if the problem wasn't the length, but the fact that they make me look like Valerie Malone sporting the camel-toe that she rocked in her brown pants in the mid-90's?

Maybe I'll be brave enough to wear them the next time CinS is out of town. I don't know if my delicate constitution can afford to fall back on the bloomers train.