Detox

I've been feeling pretty gross lately and have decided to detox. No more crap. No more booze. No more late nights. No more being awesome.

I feel better already.

I'm planning to be on a junk hiatus for several weeks for two main reasons: A) to fit into a dress I'm resurrecting from the college era for a friend's wedding in 2 weeks, and B) to enjoy my week at the beach over the 4th of July without feeling like a disgusting monster while half-naked.

In my quest for health, a recurring thought keeps entering my mind: Kinoki Foot Pads.

You may have seen these beauties advertised on late night TV - no doubt while you are up being awesome, binging over jalapeño potato chips dipped in bodega tuna salad. (no? just me?) They are magic pads that you put on the bottom of your feet to "suck out" all the toxins in your body. In the morning, the pads are a nasty brown. As you wear the pads over time, you see less and less brown because there are less toxins in your system.

Oh wonder of medical science!

I don't know how many toxins I've got running around in here, but it seems like I should get rid of them. Maybe my entire problem is toxins. Feeling exhausted every morning. Feeling bloated and nauseated. Feeling grumpy and homicidal. It's all about the toxins!

An alternative to the foot pads would be some kind of detox pill that will ultimately make me shit my brains out. This does not sound pleasant. I'd much rather put a sticker on my foot every night before I go to bed. And so would my cubicle mates.

Oh Kinoki Foot Pads. How do I want thee?

I did some investigating this afternoon and it turns out that the Kinokis are a scam! Can you believe it! There is some chemical in the pads that turns them brown when they get wet (from your sweaty toxin-filled feet). Then they leave a sweat-blocking residue so it looks like you're getting less and less toxins on the pad each day. BASTARDS!

But if you think about it, isn't this is the sweetest scam EVER? Who came up with this shit?

"I know, let's make something that people think is magic!"
"Yeah! We'll make them think it has healing powers. They can stick it on their body!"
"Oooh! They can stick it on their feet."
"OMG! Their feet! Sick! But wait, doesn't it have to do something? People aren't just going to stick things on their feet just because we tell them to."
"We'll tell them that Asians put stuff on their feet. People will do anything if they think that Asians are doing it. Asians are healthy and magical."
"True. But wouldn't it be cooler if the sticker would like, change color or something? Like those diapers?"
"Yeah! But it would be even cooler if it changed color one day, and then didn’t the
next. Like it was actually healing you."
"Oh man. We're gonna be so rich."

Dr. and Mrs. Kinoki. Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.