People are Starving in Africa

Ug. I ate too much lunch.

One of the reasons I love living in New York is because all of the chain restaurants are now required to post the calorie counts of their foods. It makes ordering very simple. Sure, I could have that sandwich for 750 calories, but no one is going to feel good about themselves at the end of the day if that happens. After all, I do need to save room for my 1,324 calorie dinner.

But the problem is, the calorie counts have spoiled me. I've been eating reasonably-sized meals for about a month now and my stomach has thanked me by not making embarrassing noises from my cubicle.

But my streak has ended.

I went for lunch today at the giant chopped salad place, where I had been ordering a more reasonably sized salad wrap instead of the 2 pound salad. When I was ordering, I forgot to order myself a wrap and got stuck with a salad the size of my head. Normally, this would be a good thing, but after so many weeks of modest portions, my stomach is a big ole bloated mess. Ouch.

So now I am faced with the awkward task of attempting to mask my belching and strange stomach noises with extra-loud typing and throat-clearing. I am not fooling anyone.

Why do we eat ourselves into oblivion? It never feels very good when you're done. (says the person who has spent the last 800 Sundays immobile and hungover)

At times like these, I always think of the competitive eater. I know those crazy Japanese folks spend their lives traveling from contest to contest to make ends meet, but what about the everyday schlub who enters the Nathan's contest every July 4th? He is not an "athlete." He does not train. He must be feeling pain when he downs dog 22. It's just not natural.

I guess the difference between them and me is that it is socially acceptable to hurl after eating 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Puking up a salad is a little too Tracy Gold for my taste.

And speaking of... does anyone remember that made-for-TV movie she was in where she played a girl with an eating disorder? I think that was all a little messed up. Hey, former teen star who suffered through the death of Matthew Perry and getting constantly picked on by Boner! Why don't you play a character that hits a little too close to home? You won't even get an Emmy!

Kirk Cameron's all crazy too with his Jesus-freakery. And that little blonde one? Has that kid overdosed yet or is he slated for Dancing With The Stars 7?

It's a sad day when your show's jump-the-shark character becomes your series' most famous star. You all know who I mean. That troubled youth from Mike's class, who coincidentally needed a place to live, Leonardo DiCaprio.

But I digress...

A friend of mine IM'd me once to complain about eating too much and having gas. She works in an office with one private bathroom that leaves telling signs of the previous inhabitants, if you catch my drift. I told her to go fart outside. I may take my own advice.

For the rest of the day, I will be in Bryant Park, loudly flipping the pages of a magazine and clearing my throat.