Bizarro Blackjack

After a great weekend in Vegas, I've noticed just how bad people are at all casino games. Not that I'm the authority on how to play, nor do I claim that I always play smart (see, e.g., the Field Bet -- a longtime CinS craps standard, to the point where I called it the Field of Dreams, but now that I am older and wiser, I finally see it for the awesome/horrible sucker's bet that it is), but it astonishing how dumb people are when it comes to gambling.

To begin with, the house already has an advantage over you, so you're best shot at winning is to play the right way. Now, the standard Vegas douche who lurks around the casino with $40 and is only there for the free drinks would object with the following two points: (1) "I'm just a Vegas douche, and it's only $40, so who cares if I lose, since it's just money spent on entertainment, and if I have fun, isn't that all that matters?" or (2) I'm drunk, so I can't be blamed for my bad decisions.

Bullcrap. First of all, there's a recession out there, and don't tell me that your $40 matters. If you play decently, that $40 can become $80, or a helluva lot more, and I don't know anyone who would happily piss away $40 if they could turn it into triple that in 4 minutes using basic math and/or common sense. And to (2), that's b.s. too. Being drunk shouldn't affect the basic way of playing, only how much you bet. I'll admit that after 6 drinks on the casino floor, I'm more willing to throw down a $50 bet than I would be at 11 a.m., but still, being hammered shouldn't make hitting on a 17 plausible.

And it's not just that people aren't playing smart or the best possible way given the odds. Look, if you choose not to double down on a Ace-7 against a 5, that's not a big deal. Or if you don't want to place 5x odds on the passline, that's fine too. I'm not talking about playing in a way that doesn't fully maximize your chance of winning, I'm talking about playing in a way that can only be described as betting so poorly that you must be trying to lose.

I'm talking about Bizarro Blackjack, as my brother calls it.

So for my own venting, please accept my humble suggestions on how not to gamble in Vegas (hey, I broke even this weekend, so I MUST know what I'm talking about).

Blackjack

Bets NOT to make:
-- hitting on a 17 under any circumstance
-- doubling on a 5 (you know who you are)
-- splitting tens
-- splitting fours

-- not tipping the dealer after winning a monster hand (some douche at our table had turned $50 into $1000 and didn't pass the dealer a single buck -- you're willing to give a waiter 20% for bringing you food you already paid for, but won't tip someone who gave you cards that turned your $50 into a half month's rent?)

-- looking at a 15 or 16 vs. the dealer's 10 or ooohFace card like you're buying a car or a house. Seriously, what the f*%k are you thinking about? You have a crap hand, so hit it already. Stop kicking the tires or running a title check on your 15 and go for it. I'm amazed that people spend like 32 seconds pondering a crap hand. And it's always on a $5 bet -- people who are betting $50 or more know that they're hitting before the dealer is even done passing out cards.

-- and the worst thing you can possibly do at Blackjack? Ask the dealer what the best course of action is, and then ignore it. "What should I do here?" "Well, you have a 14 and I'm showing a Queen, so I probably have a 20. You should definitely hit, since you have a weak hand." (insert obligatory 32 sec waiting period to allow dumbass to ponder the meaning of life vis a vis his 14). "Nah, I don't think you have it. I'll stay."

Craps
what NOT to do:
-- betting the Field when a woman is shooting (women throw 6s and 8s like no one's business)
-- not putting odds on a Come bet
-- $10 on each of the hardways
-- not tipping the dealers after turning a stack of reds into a stack of blacks or even greens

Pai Gow
-- never play Pai Gow I've learned. Horrible odds. Horrible everything. If you want a slow paced drinking game, try Keno or 2 cent slots.

Roulette
-- nothing here, there really isn't a wrong way to bet on a marble spinning around a wheel (unless you quote "Always Bet on Black.") That movie alone has made casinos so much money. The dude who said Always Bet on Black also always bet on trying to outsmart the IRS, and got screwed for it. I think I'll stick with Always Bet on Red.