Grand Theft Auto 4 - You've Stolen My Heart

I am so tired of Grand Theft Auto 4. I was promised that once we unlocked New Jersey (Alderney), that we would be on the road to completion. But then my husband paused the game and learned that we have only 35% completed. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

While the game is really cool and highly entertaining to watch, enough is enough already. I've heard every song on GTA radio about 134 times, and their topical commercials are so ingrained that I am ready to DVR "America's Next Top Hooker."

It probably doesn't help matters that the game is ALWAYS on in my house. As soon as my husband comes home, GTA4 loads. It was cute when I danced around like a tuneless 6-year-old to the game's theme song... the first 25 times. But now? Now, I want to punch my own lights out. I can only imagine how the FBI (residing across the street from my curtainless floor-to-ceiling windows) feels.

Just when I thought we'd met every boss and every family, I passed a series of GTA4 posters on the street this weekend that featured a bunch of characters I haven't heard of. Yes, we've got a long way to go. We did find some Hassidic Jew mission the other day, which oddly gave me a sense of smug satisfaction. Like I am a corrupt Hassid dealing in stolen diamonds and Eastern European illegals. And why wouldn’t I be?

Now that most of my TV obsessions have ended (only 2 more days til the LOST finale!), I really shouldn't mind the incessant GTA4. And maybe if I knew the end was near, I wouldn’t really care. Come to think of it, I didn’t really mind at all until we discovered that 35% taunting me from the flat screen. It's just too much game.

If you're like me and don't actually play, but have a loved one who plays while you watch, I would like to propose the following improvements for the GTA4 viewer to keep us entertained during the final 65% of the game.

• Less driving. Now that all 5 neighborhoods are unlocked, it takes FOREVER to get to the action. It's almost as if I am actually driving from Newark to Red Hook during rush hour traffic. If we must drive all this way, can't we employ some kind of cruise control? A setting that gets you from place to place in a straight shot without any pesky crashes that take out traffic lights and bust up your transmission.


• More sex. The last few "dates" we've been on, poor Nico hasn't gotten a piece. Come on, Rockstar Games. You know most people playing require virtual nookie as a substitute to the actual nookie they pass up to play GTA4.


• Less night time. Certain missions start during the day, leaving you to cruise the streets aimlessly for hours perfecting stunt jumps and randomly outrunning the cops. I suggest going to bed, but the husband says no. The husband is wrong.


• More comedians. A girl can only listen to Katt Williams' "Everyday I'm Hustling" routine so many times. Considering I'd had my fill of this bit before GTA4, I'm not too thrilled that the virtual Katt is interpretive-dancing his way through this game. It just fuels my husband's passions. Wow. I think I just realized a new SAT analogy. Melissa is to David Cook as CinS is to Katt Williams. And the 4 people who don't know us and read this post will be frightened.

I think these improvements would greatly improve my evenings at home. Much more so than absentmindedly reading the latest In Touch while GTA4 explosions drown out my cries for help.