I Smell Like A Cab

Despite the beautiful spring weather of late, I have yet to soak up any rays and am left looking sickly and pale.

I didn’t think I looked that bad until I visited the phosphorescent ladies room at my office on my way to lunch today. I looked like a zombie. A zombie who apparently has not slept - or eaten brains - for about a decade.

I promptly marched to the Sephora by my office and purchased some powdered soul in a box. I even had the make-up lady apply the soul all over my face with a giant brush so that I could stop terrorizing small children on 42nd Street.

I felt instantly better, as if I had eaten the brain of Einstein himself. I felt so good, in fact, that I wandered around the Sephora looking for other life-affirming, springtime treats.

I need a new summer fragrance, so I decided to try one out at the Sephora. I spritzed myself with something light and flitted happily around the store smelling yummy and looking like I'd been outdoors in the past 4 months. My day was starting to turn around.

But now it is several hours later, and the perfume's lovely top-notes of peony and patchouli have faded. And what I am now left with is the unmistakable smell of pine. And it's driving me crazy.

I guess this is what’s called a "woody" fragrance, but this is ridiculous. I've gone from flesh-eating zombie to fertilizer-eating evergreen within 2 hours.

I want to wash it off, but the smell is so engrained in my nose that I won’t be able to escape even with sanitary pressure points.

It looks like my well-intentioned trip to Sephora has backfired. That’s what you get for stealing your soul from a little paper box.