Vampire vs. Werewolf

As Melissa mentioned in some blog last mumf, we once stayed up til like 2 on a Sunday night debating the merits of vampire vs. werewolf. Sure, the benefits of each have been covered extensively in the media -- Teen Wolf, Blade, and Once Bitten come to mind -- but when you really get down to brass tax, no coverage every looks in-depth as to the day-to-day practical implications of being a werewolf vs. a vampire.

At first, it seems like a no-brainer: why not be a vampire? Benefits include: living forever, flying, being generally bad ass, and having a city all to yourself at night if you want it. There are more types of people out there than food, so the blood variety must be extensive. And you always look good in black. But seriously, how would you do it?

For me, it comes down to this: being a vampire (Blade aside) means you're pretty much cut off for half the day. Forget the garlic, silver, or no reflecting business, that's besides the point. Being a vampire means that dawn to dusk is off limits for you. No more nice fall days. No relaxing stroll through the neighborhood on a weekend afternoon. If you're a collegiate vampire, sorry broheem, but no gameday for you. You never get to see a cool purple/orange sunset, and many of the sights to see in the world are closed off.

So you can move somewhere like Iceland or Alaska or Russia where for a large chunk of the year, it's only light a few hours a day. And if you're the aforementioned collegiate vampire, you go to a Sarah Lawrence or other liberal arts school that is sans football. Fine. But how do you make a living? What's a job you can get, besides night security guard or graveyard shift WaWa sandwich artist, that pays really well? Even assuming that a night security guard job pays well, then you necessarily are spending at least 6 hours of your available 12 at work. So really you have only a couple hours a day to do anything, at a time where most people are sleeping. So it's lonely as hell.

But still, everyone thinks being a vampire is so rulio. They wear black; listen to electronic music from the late 90s, hang out with other gothic vampire types, and get to Mike Tyson who(m)ever they want whenever they're hungy. So what?

As I explained ad nauseum to Melissa that night, I'd take Werewolf any day. First of all, a werewolf pretty much is a gnarly bloodthirsty beast only during a full moon. Even if there were 2 full moons a month, that's essentially 2 nights a month of inconvenience vs. half the day everyday of a vampire's existence. No, werewolves can't fly and aren't immortal, but they can also lead a semi-normal life. Look at Teen Wolf, he got to hang out during the day and even got to surf a van. That should be enough right there.

All you really need as a werewolf is a remote place to chill for 2 nights a month. If you have an internet connection, then you know when the full moons are coming. Hell, they're even printed on most calendars you'd get at the Hallmark store. So it's a full moon on a Tuesday in April. You're a werewolf in New York city and you work as an ad executive. All you need to do is to leave perhaps an hour or two early that night and take a train upstate or drive towards Albany. Even with a modest income, you'll be able to afford some small farmland within an hour and a half of NYC. So you get as much acreage as you can with your money, and set up an air mattress or whatever to inevitably crash on. Then the full moon strikes and you become a werewolf. But the beauty of it is that you're at your remote home outside the city, either locked in your small dwelling or surrounded by enough acres that you won't alert or piss anyone off. If you experience some bloodthirst, just populate your farm with some livestock and go to town. You'll be like a drunk chick at a pizza place in the Upper East Side on a Friday night.

When you wake up back in human mode, you get your shit together and catch a train back to the city, probably in time for work. Not to mention that some full moons will fall on weekends so even fewer people will notice your absence. The great thing is that you can even spin it to make you look normal. "Yeah I like to go up to my place upstate a couple times a month just to unwind and work remotely from my office there." While you're grawing cattle, your co-workers will think you're kicking back in front a fireplace with your laptop, checking and organizing your emails.

So there you have it. Lonely, poor vampire vs. Well-adjusted werewolf with a modest vacation home upstate. Take your pick.