You Know It's Time to Burn Your Pants When...

It's Tribeca Film Festival time here in NY, and my annual quest to rub up against indie stars began this past Friday at the premiere of From Within.

Since I'm no longer working in Tribeca, I was a few days late in purchasing tickets this year, and so none of the films I'm seeing are actually in Tribeca. Touché DeNiro. And because the film venue was out of my element, I was unsure if this film would be treated like every other TFF premiere - bedazzled with paparazzi and stars in hideous Project Runway gowns.

ALSO, this past Friday came at the end of a very long week. A week that called for baggy pants.

So now you know my mindset as I left the house on Friday in puke-green cargoish pants, a purple track jacket, and elf shoes. I simply could not be bothered to look nice. And I was very confident that Laura Allen, Adam Goldberg, and Rumer Willis would NOT be in attendance.

Well, you know what they say. One out of three ain't bad...

Not 10 minutes after we arrive, a van pulls up and the cast of the film climbs out in dapper suits and Project Runway gowns. Damn it.

It was the usual rigmarole of indie casts. People that looked entirely unfamiliar, but were well-coiffed and decidedly the cast. My friends spotted two familiar faces atop 6-foot, willowy bodies. Apparently some gangly twins from America's Next Top Model were in the movie. You go girls! Oh, and I can see your nipples.

And just past the twins, we saw Rumer Willis. She actually looked quite beautiful. Thank you itchy hair extensions. (more on this later)

The cast had arrived, the paparazzi were shooting, and we entered the theatre. We strategically chose seats directly behind the row that was reserved for the cast.

Laura Allen was at the end of the row. I calmly explained to my friends that she is the star that gets killed off my favorite cable dramas, The 4400 and Dirt. One of the male leads sat right in front of my friend Jen and Rumer Willis sat right in front of my friend Gloria. Gloria was very excited and inconspicuously snapped a photo of Rumer's hairpiece with her cameraphone.

We were all a twitter. Our spirits did not dampen as Rumer began to pick at her head and continue to do so for the entire film. But there was something much more exciting on the horizon... As we were getting settled, in walks Bruce Flippin' Willis! BRUCE WILLIS!

My love of Bruce Willis cannot be contained within the internet universe that holds this blog. Jen and Gloria's love for Bruce Willis also knows no bounds. So you can just imagine the severe hyperventilation that occurred moments before the film as Mr. Willis' gorgeous head glinted in the theatre lights. Glorious!

But by the time the lights went up for cast Q&A, I realized something. I was dressed like a schlub. A lesbian schlub.

I was finally in a position to make eyes at Bruce Willis, and I was wearing the worst outfit ever. And it was Passover. So of course I hadn't gone to the bathroom in a solid week.

And there it was. My big moment. Squandered.

I called my husband after the movie to tell him what happened. He reassured me that I am beautiful. I sighed happily.

When I arrived at my buddy's place after the movie to see my loving husband, he laughed in my face when he saw what I was wearing. Then he hugged me with great sympathy, and whispered in my ear,

"You can make eyes at as many celebrities as you want, honey. As long as you always wear this outfit, I have nothing to worry about."